Beautiful

Wow! I can not believe it has been three months since I posted anything! It sure isn't like me to not have anything to say, but life has been relatively "quiet". Summer flew by while we roasted and continue to roast in the ridiculous heat. The kids are back in school and fall sports are well underway. We spend our evenings doing homework and driving to and from various practices. It is exhausting at times, but I know this will pass all too quickly and I will find myself looking for a hobby to do in the evenings because the kids are grown. Sigh.


As the kids are back in school the friendship dynamics are back in full swing. I have one child in elementary school where usually the biggest drama involves who sat with whom at lunch or who played with whom on the playground. Usually a few words of encouragement and a hug will mend those minor wounds. But, as the older two grow I find that the wounds inflicted are not so easily bandaged. I remember being a pre-teen/teen. These are the years when the opinion of someone your own age matters so much more that the adults that love you. Why is it so much easier to believe the hurtful words rather than the compliments? Why are words from a person of very little character and integrity so hard to forget? Why do we let them wound us so? I know all of us can still as adults recite word for word hurtful comments made to us by others growing up. We often carry them around and recite them to ourselves when we have "messed up" or feel down. That is so contrary to what God has intended for us to hear and say to ourselves. It says in the bible we are created in HIS image. We are wonderfully and fearfully made-the extra 30 pounds, zits, stretch marks, droopy eyelids, etc. included!


I was watching a television show this weekend on extraordinary courage. The entire show documented the life of a beauty queen that was savagely attacked with acid and left scarred and disfigured. At the first of the show I could not keep from staring at her scars and feeling so much anguish for this girl. But, by the end of the show watching her live her life despite the scars, I seriously did not see them anymore. What she has done as a result of her disfigurement is absolutely amazing. She actually said at the end of the show that she was glad that things had turned out this way. She said that before the attack she felt something was missing in her life. Her life had a void that no job, no compliment, no beauty pageant win could fill. As a result of her journey after her attack she came to know God and she said for the first time ever she feels complete. She has purpose like never before and she knows that she is truly beautiful. I was just really inspired by her story and her courage to share it. I don't think the timing of me seeing this documentary was an accident. Last week someone sent me a very hurtful text attacking my character and accusing me of not being a loyal friend. Now, this person is struggling terribly in her life right now and she is very angry at her situation, which, unfortunately I have come to be a part of through my job. Her words hurt. I felt a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to respond and defend myself; Set the record straight, tell her my side. However, I listened to that still small voice in my heart that said, "don't respond, her opinion does not matter. You are still the same person this minute that you were before you read that text. Let it go. Pray for her pain and for her life to change course." I felt a peace that I truly can not explain. I know that I am not perfect, but I am not the person she described in her message. It made me think of Jesus and the lies that were told about his character and life.

He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief and as one from whom men hide their faces; he was despised and we esteemed him not. Isaiah 53:3

Even the son of God experienced hurtful words and attacks on his character. So as I go forward today I am trying to live the following verse:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Eph 4:29

Tornado

The devastation surrounding our home is unfathomable. We were spared heartache by less than 1/2 a mile. These pictures really don't even do justice to the magnitude of the destruction. The tornado was on the ground 76 miles and was at least 1/2 mile wide.

This was a home. There isn't even anything to try and salvage.


There are destroyed cars everywhere. Some of them you would not even know they are cars if you didn't see a tire.

All this happened in less than 2-3 minutes. The sound of the tornado sounded like bombs going off. I thought it was horrible thunder, but I believe now it was homes exploding.

This rubble pile was a house at the intersection right before ours. The truck below was in the yard and they have no idea who it belongs to.

Please be in prayer for my community as it will take years to come back from this. If you would like to make a donation or send gift cards email me and I will get you the address.

Waiting

The dictionary defines wait as this, "to stay in place in expectation of" and "a state or attitude of watchfulness and expectancy". Waiting can be hard. I have been thinking a lot lately about waiting. I remember waiting to drive, to date, to graduate, to get married, to have kids, to lose weight, to...........the list is endless. Waiting feels like forever, like time slows to a snails pace. The hardest wait for me is waiting on God. Waiting and trusting His timing in my life and the lives of those I love. I remember praying for months about career moves, for a healthy baby(s), for Jason to be healed. God is not a vending machine where you drop in a prayer, push the selection you want, and Bingo-out drops the answer to your problem. Many times I have blogged about God's timing and trying to trust it. It is an issue I struggle with deeply. I like things done. I like things taken care of and lists completed. I like people healed, jobs found, marriages mended, and joy restored. I sometimes get so wrapped up in moving forward that I miss the journey. I think God is teaching me that there is much to be done while waiting. The time spent waiting is not wasted time unless I choose to waste it. Right now, and I can hardly type this, I am waiting for my mom to die. We started Hospice in February as she began to steeply decline and I prayed, "please Lord, now, let it be now, let her suffering end". It didn't. It didn't in March, or April, and probably not May. I have struggled immensely with what to do while I wait for her journey here to end. I sing to her, I read to her, I rub lotion on her arms, I rub her face, and I feel SO HELPLESS. This process is completely up to God. I may not understand at all why her suffering and ours continues. Not days, not weeks, not months, it has been years, over a decade we have watched her slowly slip away. Now there is literally almost nothing left. She opens her eyes and drinks fluids. That is it. She has forgotten how to swallow blended food and pills, she can not roll over in bed or sit up unassisted. She has gone all the way back through the stages of life to complete infancy. Sometimes I want to just fall into a heap on the floor in her room and give up. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "WHY WHY WHY?" What purpose could possibly be in this Lord? What good is this doing? How can this beautiful, intelligent, vibrant, funny, amazing person be reduced to this? But, that is pointless and does not make me feel better. It makes it worse. There is a verse on my mom's wall that Beth and I hung there the day she moved in the nursing home and it says, "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me" Psalm 138:8 We have clung to the promise that God does have a purpose for each of us and He decides when it is fulfilled. So, we along with fantastic God sent caregivers, are trying to make her continued wait as comfortable and joyous as possible. Today I was reminded of a song called "While I'm Waiting". I think God brought this to my memory so that I know what we are supposed to be doing during the wait.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on you, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on you, Lord
Though it's not easy
But Faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

I believe my mom is peaceful. I believe she is waiting on the Lord. I believe she still is serving and worshiping in a way that only God can see. It is not easy, but her race to heaven continues and we wait. I miss her more each day. Please keep us in your prayers during this extremely difficult time.

40

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. Job 42:12

Tomorrow I turn 40. I am actually looking forward to the next decade of my life. I am thrilled to have made it this far and I am even happier that I am entering this stage healthy. For awhile every time I had a birthday I subtracted my age from 54 (which is the age my mom was diagnosed with dementia) to see how many years I had left. That is a depressing calculation and one with very little validity other than fear. I remember meeting with her neurologist to see if there was any information on the heredity of her disease. He told my sister and I to go live our lives because if it was going to happen, "there is nothing you can do about it." That is easier said than done. I'd like to tell you that I don't think about the "what ifs" but the truth is I do. I don't however, let them consume me like they used to. I learned the hard way that worrying about what might happen tomorrow sucks the life out of today. In my first forty years I have learned that there are no guarantees about anything. All the planning and preparing in the world still will prove futile at times. I have also learned that even with all the technology, medical developments, and resources now available there are many things that just can't be fixed. Dementia can not be fixed. J.'s leg can not be fixed. My mom can not be fixed. Millions of things can not be fixed. But, life can go on and be joyful. God doesn't change and He doesn't need to be fixed. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I love how after all Job had lost and suffered, God blessed his life even more than he had before Job was tested. I'd like to think that I have stayed faithful like Job through the trials I have experienced. I trust that the next forty years won't be perfect, but they will be blessed. I also trust that when all my years here are done that God will fix everything about me that needs fixing!

Blessed by Burdens

My devotion this morning was titled, "Blessed By Burdens". If you have never experienced God's mercies during a trial then the title of that may seem strange. This is similar to the way I interpreted Romans 8:28 (And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him). For many years I truly felt that this meant if you loved God nothing bad would ever happen to you-only good. WRONG!! Through many life experiences I have learned that you can be blessed by burdens and that in ALL things (the good, the bad, and the really really bad) God does work for the good of those who love Him. You just have to trust and really seek to see His hand in the midst of the storm(s). Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O Earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones. Isaiah 49:13 When you are bearing a burden, often times the last thing you feel like doing is shouting for joy, rejoicing, or bursting into song. In fact, people around you might think you have completely lost it and need medication should you burst into song. However, that is exactly what God calls us to do. It says right there in that verse that God comforts his people, He has compassion on His afflicted ones. My devotion pointed out that, "comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as adversity has done." Out of pain and suffering have come the sweetest songs, poignant poems, gripping stories, and the actions of compassionate human beings one to another. As a Christian I can face the winds of adversity and storms of trouble with absolute assurance that, "when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold" Job 23:10. Many times I have struggled with why a loving God allows bad things to happen. I have come to really know with every fiber of my being that He allows these things so that we truly learn to rely solely on Him and appreciate our many blessings. That if I step back and look at things from His perspective I will see all the good that does come from struggles. If you had never experienced loss, would you really understand what it is to have? If you had never experienced bad health, would you really understand what it means to have good health? If you had never experienced unfairness, would you understand fairness? If you had never experienced hate, would you understand and appreciate love? If all we had in this world was good, fair, comfortable, and beautiful we would not seek God. Think about it, do you pray more and seek God when all is rosy and going well? Me neither. Would I really understand the depth of his love and goodness if my life was perfect? No. The truth is perfection and total peace is what awaits in heaven. I believe I will truly burst into song, rejoice, and shout for joy in heaven even louder and with a fuller heart because I have known pain, suffering, loss, hate, and unfairness this side of heaven. I also hope that I cherish and appreciate all my tremendous innumerable blessings that I have in my life. They far outweigh the bad and for that I am truly truly grateful.

Peace

Well, the 25th came and went without any major life events. Thanks to those of you who emailed, called, and said prayers for peace. They were heartfelt and much appreciated. I am feeling much better. The Lord will keep you from all harm. He will watch over your life. Psalm 121:7 What a mighty God we serve. I am continually reminded and in awe that He truly does watch over us, and He does care about the details and events in our lives.

Fearful

Lately I have felt fearful. Literally full of fear. I think in life it is easy to let circumstances cause you to feel fearful. In trying to get my emotions and fears under control I have spent more time this week trying to identify exactly what it is causing me fear, and reading scriptures about how God does not intend for us to live in fear. Fear is not a fruit of the spirit-that has been something I have said to myself repeatedly the last few days. I think the fearfulness started with our oldest child leaving last week for a ski trip with friends. This was a huge first for our family. It is the longest we have been apart as well as the first time she has left the state without us. Everything went really well. She had fun and is now home safely. Another contributor for what ever reason adding to my fear has recently been doubt in myself. Doubting if I am doing a good job at work. Am I thorough enough? Have a kept up with recent clinical recommendations and studies? What if this? What if that? Doubting if I'm a good enough mother? Do/Did I read enough to my children? Should we be memorizing more scripture? Should they have more chores? Less? Ughhhhh! It has been exhausting. Then too I am fearful for my mom. If I don't get by the nursing home each day (which is impossible I know) I am fearful she is lonely or scared. Is she uncomfortable? Will the staff comprehend and be attentive to her needs? Then March 25 is approaching. If you have read this blog for any length of time you know that this is a date I both celebrate and dread. March 25 will be the anniversary of Jason's and my first date 22 years ago :) Also the date Emily had to be rushed to the ER for stitches when she was three : ( The date that Jason fell at work and almost died in 2007 : ( And finally the two year anniversary of my mom now being in the nursing home : ( Now I know that it is superstitious to tie all these things to a date. None of these events surprised God. Nothing comes to my life without first going through Him, yet my human nature is to want to stay in bed this Friday as well as lock everyone near and dear to my heart in their bedrooms. So, this morning I began reciting this scripture to myself and I will continue until this irrational phase passes!

The spirit that God has given us does not make us timid (fearful); instead, His spirit fills us with power, love, and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7

As the week begins my prayer is to have God's power over irrational fears, feel His love and reassurance, and be able to have self control over letting my mind fall into the pit of fear.